91 replies to this topic

[Buckfasterfullerine]

Bognor Regis, where Churchill made a reverse charge call to the Bent Wench Arms, "is Rusty there" he enquired, "No, he's not usualy in til after 7 on a friday", Churchill left a message to ask if Rusty could send a dog friendly taxi to Bognor to collect him and return him home.


Back at Crumbly mansion, Fanny the parlour maid took delivery of a couple of small packages, bubble wrap air mail types, and left them on the hall table as Professor Easystreet was in the garden having tea with...........

[Dragonmum]

......out any shoes on, and having an in-depth conversation with the Vicar about the possibility of reincarnation."God knows" said the vicar, "Why do you ask" "Well" said the Professor "A friend of mine has just lost her...........

Edited by Dragonmum, 03 February 2012 - 04:49 PM.

[Boadacia]

.... marbles, and her family are thinking seriously about trading her to some Eastern Europeans, who say they have just the position for her. She's very religious of course, but between you and I, I really can't believe in all that rubbish, he grinned cautiously. Suddenly the sound of a chopping whirring noise interrupted the conversation and ...................

Edited by Boadacia, 03 February 2012 - 05:45 PM.

[Dragonmum]

.....a large Leylandii crashed across the patio killing the vicar outright. "Um" said the professor,"Guess he knows the answer to the reincarnation question now; never liked the sanctimonious old barsteward anyway come to that, detested that damned tree too, kept the sun off my handsome torso - best thing them lot next door ever did was buying that chain-saw" He heaved himself to his feet and went in to open his mail - a delivery from Stinkvapoursinc. and a year's supply of viagra which would only last him a week of course in view of his small problem. He thought he should inform the police of the vicar's untimely passing, but just then..........

[Buckfasterfullerine]

Josfubar came crashing through the hallway on a spacehopper, Professor Easystreet dodged to one side, still clutching his bottles of 'crinkly facial expression', "watch where your going on that thing" he snorted, before entering the drawing room at Crumbly mansion, he went to the PV cabinet and extracted his.............

[Boadacia]

... Colt 38cal 5 shot cylinder pistol. Taking careful aim, and squeezing the trigger Josfubar's spacehopping horse died like a whimpering whoopie cushion after being sat on by Mick McManners! The Prof' blew the smoke from the barrel, and .....................

[SnailWhisperer]

Forgetting that the Colt .38 had a hair trigger, promptly shot off his left nostril! "Thank goodness it wasn't pointing downward" he exclaimed.

Meanwhile, down in the Scullery, Agnes the cook was whipping up her fluffies as a treat for the homecoming Hector, the 'Black sheep' of the family. It had been 15 years since he was thrown out, after being caught messing about with.....

[Dragonmum]

..........the gardener, a likely lad named Olive, the r wasn't the only thing he dropped thus compromising the family tree, a magnificent old redwood which was already damaged by the fag ends Olive dropped into it's roots despite the preservation order imposed by the local council. Agnes plopped her fluffies onto a baking tray and smiled fondly as she remembered.........

[Boadacia]

...... those days of her youth, when everything seemed so young and fresh. She often thought of Clint the man she never managed to persuade into the barn on those warm summer evenings. Clint emigrated to Australia not long after the 23rd attempt Agnes had made at producing rohypnol and popping it into her fluffies, to influence youg Clint, but alas ......................

[Dragonmum]

...away he went to Oz where he changed his name to Bruce, just to fit in, and Agnes was lumbered with perpetual virginity - having no more than her fluffies and a three legged cat called Herbert to attract a swain, or swine as she called them. Meantime, back in the hall, the professor was bemoaning the loss of his left nostril, it was the one he preferred to use when sniffing banned substances so that was a bummer,
when the door flew open, flattening Fanny who had been tardy in answering the knock, and in strode Inspector.....

[Buckfasterfullerine]

Beaver of Scotland yard, "is this the Easystreet residence"? he enquired

[Dragonmum]

"It is inspector" he replied, "I take it you are here regarding the unfortunate demise of our Vicar"

"I am, sir" the inspector ejaculated. "But I am also interested to know whether Mr Hector Easystreet is available - just routine of course -

and did you know you have a deposit of white powder round your right nostril? I think your Fanny may be able to help us too in the matter of the death of the Vicar"

The professor assisted Fanny to her feet - "Mention what came in the mail and yo're a dead woman" he muttered sotto voce.

"Never" she whimpered, but under Beaver's steely gaze she.......

[Boadacia]

...... walked rather bandy legged over to the inspector, leaving a suspicious steaming trail of something that definitely wasn't e-liquid. The inspector asked if anyone could smell ............

[Dragonmum]

,,,,,a rat in all this kafuffle. " I am convinced that someone is hiding something here" he declared "And not very well in your case, young woman" he said, looking directly at Fanny.
"Lawks" she sobbed " I wouldn't hide nothing from the police, I never have and I never intends to "
"We'll see about that" he snorted. "What is in the cupboard across there? Have any suspicious parcels been delivered over the last few days? Was the Vicar a regular visitor or did his visit come out of.....

[Boadacia]

...... a manifestation of hallucinating religious fervent symbiotic delusion? "Erm?", gasped Fanny as even more liquids were noticeable sliding down her wrinkled stocking. "There was a parcel now I think about it." - she volunteered. "But the Professor wouldn't let me see what was in it, and slipped off to the toilet with it, before I could get my nose in." she admitted. The Inspector turned back to address the Professor and ........

[SnailWhisperer]

Thwack! The maid shot across the room, smacking into the inspector and sticking to him like a Limpet on a rock in low tide.

'Ruddy hell' the inspector exclaimed in disbelief and excitement. Wait till the lads down at the station hear about this. After years of suffering insults and putdowns in the canteen and sniggerings in the station shower, he would show them....Proof positive that being promoted to Inspector meant He WAS a Fanny Magnet at last!!

The sound of a powerful car (Probably an 1100 Mk1 Escort, with a stage two head with hand-lapped valves and a 4 into 1 exhaust and the obligatory furry dice hanging off the rear-view mirror) speeding away, down the driveway distracted him for a moment.

It seems the professor had taken advantage of.......

Edited by SnailWhisperer, 08 February 2012 - 10:32 PM.

[Boadacia]

,,,, of whatever had been contained in that envelope he had sloped off to the toilet with earlier. His eyes were glazed and his pulse was barely discernible, yet he had this loud bumping noise throbbing in the right side of his temple.

It was difficult for him to find a clear path of thought so he slumped down on the bench at the side of the dominoes table, and asked for a glass of water. Fanny by this time had managed to let go of his leg, like a puppy hit with a rolled up newspaper, and shot off to complete the quest. The professors eyes started to ...........

[SnailWhisperer]

glaze over as he pondered how fanny (the maid) had been stuck to the inspector, like a limpet on a rock at low tide, in one paragraph yet, in the next, was hanging onto his own leg?

Bamboozled, baffled and slightly stoned from the imbibing of dubious 'Conscious expanding' substances, he......

[Boadacia]

... realised there was just no reality any more, as both his eyes focussed on each other, and it was like being in some script written by the insane, for people born with no brains, kept in laboratory glass vessels, and living in a state similar to pickled onions. Meanwhile the Inspector was fanning the professor with his ID card, and wishing he was back home cuddled up next to the open roaring fire, with his best friend Churchill. It was at that moment a deep underground rumbling ........

[Dragonmum]

...shook the hall to it's foundations and a great hole opened beneath their feet. Up shot the old Welsh needlewoman (who had been biding her time) brandishing her old Welsh needle and a bit hampered by the shag-pile.
"Aha" said the inspector "I've had my suspicions of you ever since we met down at the station where you were charged with driving a barmaid down a skittle alley at well over the speed limit. You began your denial with the words "Look you" - a fatal error. During my secondment to Cwmtwrch, a place of few charms and even fewer vowels, I learned that no-one of the Welsh persuasion would use that phrase; any more than an Irishman would pepper his prose with "Begorrahs" nor a Scotsman say "Hoots mon, my round I think" well not the last bit anyway"
He turned to Fanny and said kindly: "Thank you my dear for drawing this imposter out, and here's a tenner lady, for your trouble"
Turning back to the Old..couldn't bother typing it again... he said scathingly "I have known all along your true identity. You are.....